Can an adventurer, a sword-seeker feel lonely?

| January 19, 2010 | 8 Comments

A couple of thousand people are already sharing with me the quest for the sword. Some of them have even offered active help and support, for example for the translations. Some sent good wishes, some love and light, others even wanted to send money!

With all this support going on and growing and knowing that thousands are already “there”,  I’m sitting alone in front of the computer, I’m alone on the way – maybe, if nobody else arrives before me, I will receive the sword alone… not a victim here, just trying to figure out some emotions I’m encountering.

Already leading a nice and somehow fulfilled life before, now reduced to my essence of embarking on the sword challenge, I’m starting to think that maybe loneliness is the essence of being human. We come into the world alone, we travel through life as a separate person – no matter how much in love we are with that other half – and ultimately die alone.

And especially in my professional career I always found that the more successful I got, the less contact – I mean deep, satisfying contact – did I have with others. I admit, the few that I still do communicate with regularly, make my heart jump and I’m glad to be able to laugh with my wife and smile at my son and share time with family and some good friends.

I guess my point is that I thought once the dross has been burned away, you rise from the ashes like the Phoenix and follow your dream, it would feel different. Like a never-ending high without that feeling of … is it really loneliness or is that the famous “feeling separate from God” or something else?

I think that I read once in an interview with Paulo Coelho, or maybe it was even in a Warrior of the Light – Newsletter, about a conversation he had with his wife. Then he had told her that he feels a certain loneliness, too. I believe to remember it was a birthday night of his. So he knows that, too!?

Today I called a friend of mine who is a speaker and spends a lot of time in hotel rooms alone. When I told him about my thoughts, he told me to “stop right there” and move towards a place where I can see other humans. A place like a Cafe or something. Done. Felt immediately better.

What stays after my examination, is the thought of potential failure. Maybe I didn’t really feel lonely but anxious. But I can’t discern the feelings at the moment. Yet, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I have started out on this journey, because “following the dream” or the calling of the Master is exhilarating, motivating and attracts me like one magnet the other. And really, I do enjoy every second of this. The discussions, the feedback (yes, I’m reading all and replying to most (as much as I can)). But there is indeed an underlying fear! Because I also started to win the sword and realize that with the summer coming, also others will try and that I may not win it but really “only” enjoy the journey. I do and will continue every bit of it. But: I WANT TO WIN! YES. I can already see in my mind’s eye how I am receiving the sword and how I can tell about the bits and pieces of the journey at the campfire – risking to make a real fool out of myself 😉

So really, what I felt as being lonely, was fear. Fear to fail, to not win and I like to win – which caused a certain anxiety or tension. By the way, one of the best interpretations of “Loneliness” in music I know, is “La Soledad” by Laura Pausini, you can listen to it here.

Writing this is almost like therapy. And where words are not enough, music will always help.

Conclusions: going to listen to the song once now, then meditate and continue. Another day is soon to break! And again, concluding with Bernard Shaw: if I may win the challenge, I will not have won because of myself, but despite myself. Already a humbling experience.

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Category: Quest of the Sword

  • Elizabeth

    Hello again.
    Just finished reading your post and of curse your not alone, but maybe that feeling is a challenge you have to overcome too. I know it is difficult because you miss your family; but I know You are going to be ok.
    Best wishes as always.

  • Marijne

    Funny, I was just writing about this myself (in a spiritual diary, very therapeutic indeed).
    “The glorious struggle and the victory are NOT the biggest part of the way, not of my way anyway. The pain, grief, sweaty struggle, frustration and discontent are a far bigger part of the Way to victory. You want to know what the ‘best’ part is? When the day of your victory arrives, that’s the day you couldn’t care less about victory or defeat. Sad story, isn’t it.”
    Written in frustration, true, but also with the Trust that comes with experience, that everything is moving in the right direction, the direction I want for my life, in accordance with what the universe wants. There is a deep, deep loneliness, but also simply depth and the gift of being able to spend time alone and enjoying one’s own company. Just being, in and with the universe.
    I do think it’s true, that when victory comes, it has already permeated your whole being and will feel only natural. Give yourself to the journey with all of your heart and soul, and victory is certain. With or without a sword.
    Now winning is very important because this drive fires you up to begin, to start, and the energy of your enthusiasm sustains you when progress is slow or non-existent. Get through the hard times and you will already feel victorious. This is all just the beginning, so relax, there’s a long, long road in front of you and it’s very interesting.
    Something to tell your grandkids or write a book about =:~)

    What else to say but go on and live this adventure, you will NOT regret a single moment!

  • Heart

    Dear Santiago’s Dream,

    I believe the feeling of being lonely is the most difficult feeling modern humans struggle with. Sure Paulo Coehlo has felt lonely too, he has said so in his blog, and written about it. In connection with being invited to celebrate the 25th Anniversary to the priesthood of our local Pastor, I just made a print of this article, and have decided to bring ‘The Warrior of Light’ as my little gift. You will love this article too;

    Also, reading ‘Brida’ as a preparation may be to follow in your footsteps, I came along a passage talking about your feelings of loneliness….’but the solitude of forests is harder to bear than the solitude of towns.’ Today you were lucky to find comfort in a Cafe. Great! Later, you might be wandering off in nature, and then you will be tested, perhaps to the point when you feel you will be in the middle of The Dark Night. I believe this is a must for a pilgrim, to go into the depth of your soul and listen to what it tells you, and learn to dance to the sounds of the nature.

    Enjoy your journey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I might beat you to the sword!

    Love & Gratitude (L&G)

  • Paul Lüggen

    Of course you can, and you will feel alone in many moments of your journey! The question is, what are you going to do with this solitude!?!? You must learn to take advantage of it, even to enjoy it if you wish, without converting into a Hermit. And you are completely right about how we humans, despite being social beings… We born alone, live alone and die alone. And we are the only animals that have conscience of our own mortality. And that must be an engine too.

    Paulo Coelho’s books have changed my life and keep changing it in many ways… As they have done with yours and thousands others.

    You may feel alone some times but know for sure that it is a virtual loneliness. Hundreds or even thousands of minds will (are right now) be following you.

    You are our correspondant! For all of us who wanted to take this trip, but right now were not able or not ready.

    You are our champion!

    Many blessings, keep going and if you feel right, post some pics.

    Many hugs,


  • Teri

    Sounds like an inner journey to accompany the physical one!

    Keep it up — what you’re doing takes a lot of courage. All the love and support coming your way will carry you through the times you’re not feeling so up to par 🙂

  • Danik

    Hola amigo peregrino, es agradable saber que alguien más está transitando el camino que emprenderé en breve con mi esposo. Ya ves, llevas ventaja, ya estás allí y lógicamente quieres ganar. Creo que todos ganaremos, la competencia o ir hacia un objetivo más que rivalizar con un contrincante es en realidad una superación de uno mismo. Quizás alcances la meta antes de que nosotros salgamos pero lo haremos de todos modos, me hace feliz solo el hecho de saber que mi esposo escéptico se ha sentido atraído como tú y como yo y que anoche en la cena hablando de las pruebas dijera: “En definitiva cada respuesta es el camino en sí mismo”
    Un abrazo y enhorabuena!

  • MaxDibe

    Hi there!
    I was excited when I saw you responding to Paulo’s challenge and I really admire you for your actions and for your choice of follow your dream. Live your journey, enjoy the path leading to the sword.

    Just remember that this is not a single-player game: there are many other people wishing to get to the sword.
    What do you think of them?
    Are they enemies, which you must defeat being the first to get the sword?
    Are they allies, with whom you share the path to the sword?

    I think they are neither enemies nor allies.

    They are exactly like you.
    So don’t be afraid of yourself, don’t be afraid of losing the sword.
    Enjoy your journey and focus on the present: this is your victory.
    Don’t be so anxious for the future: you build your future with your present, so -again- enjoy your present, enjoy your journey.

    I will enjoy your journey with you, even if I am studying at home.


  • belwin

    Just found your blog. Great reading! Would be grateful for any other information concerning this topic. Cheers!