A couple of thousand people are already sharing with me the quest for the sword. Some of them have even offered active help and support, for example for the translations. Some sent good wishes, some love and light, others even wanted to send money!
With all this support going on and growing and knowing that thousands are already “there”, I’m sitting alone in front of the computer, I’m alone on the way – maybe, if nobody else arrives before me, I will receive the sword alone… not a victim here, just trying to figure out some emotions I’m encountering.
Already leading a nice and somehow fulfilled life before, now reduced to my essence of embarking on the sword challenge, I’m starting to think that maybe loneliness is the essence of being human. We come into the world alone, we travel through life as a separate person – no matter how much in love we are with that other half – and ultimately die alone.
And especially in my professional career I always found that the more successful I got, the less contact – I mean deep, satisfying contact – did I have with others. I admit, the few that I still do communicate with regularly, make my heart jump and I’m glad to be able to laugh with my wife and smile at my son and share time with family and some good friends.
I guess my point is that I thought once the dross has been burned away, you rise from the ashes like the Phoenix and follow your dream, it would feel different. Like a never-ending high without that feeling of … is it really loneliness or is that the famous “feeling separate from God” or something else?
I think that I read once in an interview with Paulo Coelho, or maybe it was even in a Warrior of the Light – Newsletter, about a conversation he had with his wife. Then he had told her that he feels a certain loneliness, too. I believe to remember it was a birthday night of his. So he knows that, too!?
Today I called a friend of mine who is a speaker and spends a lot of time in hotel rooms alone. When I told him about my thoughts, he told me to “stop right there” and move towards a place where I can see other humans. A place like a Cafe or something. Done. Felt immediately better.
What stays after my examination, is the thought of potential failure. Maybe I didn’t really feel lonely but anxious. But I can’t discern the feelings at the moment. Yet, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I have started out on this journey, because “following the dream” or the calling of the Master is exhilarating, motivating and attracts me like one magnet the other. And really, I do enjoy every second of this. The discussions, the feedback (yes, I’m reading all and replying to most (as much as I can)). But there is indeed an underlying fear! Because I also started to win the sword and realize that with the summer coming, also others will try and that I may not win it but really “only” enjoy the journey. I do and will continue every bit of it. But: I WANT TO WIN! YES. I can already see in my mind’s eye how I am receiving the sword and how I can tell about the bits and pieces of the journey at the campfire – risking to make a real fool out of myself
So really, what I felt as being lonely, was fear. Fear to fail, to not win and I like to win – which caused a certain anxiety or tension. By the way, one of the best interpretations of “Loneliness” in music I know, is “La Soledad” by Laura Pausini, you can listen to it here.
Writing this is almost like therapy. And where words are not enough, music will always help.
Conclusions: going to listen to the song once now, then meditate and continue. Another day is soon to break! And again, concluding with Bernard Shaw: if I may win the challenge, I will not have won because of myself, but despite myself. Already a humbling experience.
Category: Quest of the Sword